A Person Divided Leaves A Remainder
04.14.2005 | Chris Bailey | Focused on LifeWelcome to a wee bit less cranky post here at Alchemy. Yesterday, I was blessed to receive some terrific coaching (thanks Donna and Charlie). I can’t fully relate what’s going on now, but perhaps there will be a time in the near future. But that’s not what I’m thinking about right now.
Last night I fired up the grill for the first time this season for some delicious Hebrew National beef franks (the only hotdogs that are allowed in our house; not because we’re Jewish but because these are simply the most flavorful franks out there). As my dear wife and I sat on our deck enjoying the brisk evening air and a beer, she told me about a conversation she had with a friend earlier in the day. The friend was feeling lonely and frustrated with her husband who has a lot going on right now. At work, he’s busy with several large projects nearing their deadline, personnel issues, and a potential promotion. At home, he’s busy with managing the building of their new home and meeting his obligations as a dad. When he’s finished with all of this, my wife’s friend is left with what remains (in this case, a grumpy and tired guy).
Trust me, it’s hard not to divide ourselves among all the tasks and responsibilities of our lives. This is where I found myself the past few days. In my case, it wasn’t a division of roles, but a division of spirit. Unfortunately, this is the type of division that leaves a really unpleasant remainder for my wife and girls to deal with.
Ask yourself: Are you divided right now? Is there too much pulling you in disparate directions? Who in your life is getting the remainder?
As I was so caringly encouraged to do yesterday, get curious about what this division is in your life. Look at it as if you had never seen if before, with fresh eyes and unjudging heart. Consider how you can begin to reconnnect what you are doing and who you are being. Those who love you the most need more than the remainder.
10 Responses to “A Person Divided Leaves A Remainder”
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I know you read Doug Manning’s stuff occasionally. He had a fantastic post last year called Two-and-a-Half Things: http://proactiveliving.blogspot.com/2004/12/doing-2-12-things-well.html …it really captures the difficulties arising out of trying to do too much and spreading ourselves too thin. I’d be curious to hear your response to it…
Jeremy, thanks for the connection to Doug’s previous post. I found this interesting:
“There just isn’t enough time in a day to do a meaningful job at all things you love to do. So you have to choose. You have to elect to do some things later in your life while you attend to those that are of higher priority today. It is tough to let go of things that matter to you.” LINK
The ideal that I’m trying to achieve is being able to live an integrated life. Not segment the different parts and try to balance them. Instead, ask how can these parts interrelate and intersect. I’m thinking less hub-and-spoke and more vinn diagram.
While it might be necessary to make tough choices and commit to only 2 or 3 things, it doesn’t seem fair to give something you love a remainder. Maybe that’s not the point of Doug’s post. Since no one gave us a manual for this thing called Life, we just have to try stuff out and see what works. How about you? What’s working for you right now?
As always good post Christopher! It is hard not to feel divided when it comes to life management and nobody likes getting diced & sliced! I read a book a year or so ago by Andy Stanley called Choosing To Cheat that was quite enlightening. His basic premise is that you will always be cheating somebody in life – it could be your family, yourself, your church, your work. His response is that if you cheat anybody it should be your work! Your family should never be getting the leftovers! Hard to swallow but how often is that the case and then we wonder why divorce is occuring in 50% of all marriages these days. Why stick in a relationship where you are at the bottom of a priority list?
In regards to BBQing – I really like Mt. Si nai all beef – I’m not Jewish either but kosher all-beefs sure have amazing flavour!
I’m about to take the plunge and buy a new BBQ this spring as I have a natural gas hookup available now!
G
Christopher,
When you are fortunate enough to have a job that really challenges you, it can seduce you away from your family before you know it.
Very well done to address this forthrightly. If you cannot arrange things at work so that you and your family get time together, it’s time to make changes in your working arrangements.
I have found that jobs are easier to replace than families.
“While it might be necessary to make tough choices and commit to only 2 or 3 things, it doesn’t seem fair to give something you love a remainder.”
It may not seem fair, but that’s life. The main choice comes in which parts of your life get the remainder. Both Garth and David are suggesting that work should get the remainder if your goal is to maintain the quality of your relationships, especially with your wife and kids. I agree.
What I’m seeing from many people in our life stage is an unwillingness to give anything up, which means that every part of our lives gets a remainder. Spread too thin, you can’t do anything well and it leaves you stressed out and unsatisfied.
That said, adjusting expectations is awfully important. I always thought it was kind of sad when I saw young dads completely give up their passion for soccer or hockey or whatever when they became parents. My thing is mountain biking. Perhaps I was selfish to NOT give it up when we had kids, but there are two important points to note: I’m a better all-round person when I’m able to get outside to exercise and enjoy nature, and I had to set different expectations for my riding. I used to do two-hour rides three times a week. Now I mostly do half-hour rides a couple of times a week and maybe a longer one on the weekend.
That might not seem like a big difference, but when I’m working full time and trying to fit the rest of my life into a fixed number of hours, it’s the only way.
Sorry, I’m blathering again. Great conversation…
Oh Jeremy, please don’t say “that’s life.” To my ears (or eyes in this case), that’s akin to saying, “that’s just the way things are done around here.” I’m pretty sure that wasn’t your intent.
I’m not suggesting that we tackle everything we want to do right now. I see too many Washingtonians hooked into the cultural fastlane hitting a wall right now to advocate that. I would love to travel more and start homebrewing beer, but I don’t have a place for these pursuits right now.
Instead, what I am suggesting is that we make our choices and then bring all that we are to them. If it’s 2-3 things, then fantastic. If these 2-3 things include fatherhood, working, and being a husband, then these are the choices. If working isn’t one of them, then perhaps it’s worth getting curious about why that is. But the key is to consciously choose where we are going to focus and then give them our all.
For instance, I have been giving my affiliation with my local Toastmasters club the remainder lately. It’s not fair to them and it’s really not fair to me, either. I need to either commit or not. As people, they deserve better than my remainder. Maybe my expectations of myself are high, but this is my way of living a full life.
Thanks for kicking this back and raising the level of the dialogue. It’s an important thread we’ve got here. Let’s keep it going, eh? Anyone else have thoughts?
I think we’re basically saying the same things, and in fact echoing what Doug’s post was all about. The “half” of the two-and-a-half things is the remainder.
Perhaps most of us attempt to five things well, when in reality, we’re doing all five of those things halfway, giving all of the areas of our lives the remainder. The conscious choice of focus you referred to is constrained by the time/money/energy limitations of our lives (my flippant “that’s life”).
As long as that conscious choice reflects our actual capability to do a few things really well, it will likely work out. But no matter how hard we try, we can’t choose more things and still do everything well.
I’m going in circles, I realize…
Weekend Learning Links on Business Values: Vol. 3.
As little as a year ago, I would not have imagined there would be an online community — our Ho‘ohana Community — which would actually help me feel closer to home when I was traveling. That as long as I
“…a division of spirit…and those who love you the most deserve more than just a remainder”….how true! As I am focused on moving our lifes forward and so constantly distracted by what is blocking the way (and his lawyers) it is my children that at best get a remainder and at worst get Mommy From Another Planet. They deserve better. Thanks for articulating it.
Marianne, thanks for your comments. As I’ve reflected more on this idea of a remainder, I’m encouraged by the thought that we’re always in a state of flux. While it can be scary, it can also be liberating to know that we don’t have to be stuck in one place.
It sounds like you’re experiencing a trying time in your life. I hope you’re able to reclaim that closer relationship with your kids that you need. Be well.