Can I Be Honest With You?
03.29.2006 | Chris BaileyWhen was the last time you uttered this phrase? I guess I’ve been semi-consciously tossing it around a lot lately as a preface for saying something candid. But what’s really behind asking if you can give someone the “truth?”
In the course of a conversation with a volunteer whom I greatly respect, I took a pause, launched into the titular phrase here, and started to give my thinking on a current situation involving some delicate issues. I was surprised when he stopped me and asked me to think about what I just said. “Huh?,” was my reply. He responded, “Why did you feel the need to ask me if you could be honest? Honest as opposed to what? A lie? A half-truth?” He was being somewhat facetious, but he was clearly helping me better understand how the casual use of language can shape the larger conversation.
So, why would we begin a conversation or preface a statement with the question, “Can I be honest with you?” Maybe it’s to soften a verbal blow that’s coming. Or perhaps its an acknowledgement that it’s hard to offer frank thoughts to the other individual. We all bring different assumptions about how an opinion might land for the person at the other end. Get curious about those assumptions and whether they are truly helpful in building a more meaningful relationship.
Coaching comes in all shapes and from surprising directions. And the best coaching comes from well-founded relationships that don’t necessarily come from a manager or originate within the organization. Being authentic and vulnerable and asking for help from customers, members, and vendors opens up a whole new world of possible learning.
4 Responses to “Can I Be Honest With You?”
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Thank you for posting your experience. I consult and tell my current client, frequently, that I am amazed by the lack of honesty that I encounter.
It’s not outright dishonesty, it’s just a crippling lack of honesty. The biggest issue seems to be emotional. The opinions or facts aren’t to hard to draw out.
The emotional intention of the issue as well as its emotional impact seems to come most notably into play. For me, its a clear point in life where emotions and feeligns which can never truly be expressed but always felt meet up energetically with facts and opinions.
Tim, I think you hit on a valuable distinction…the difference between dishonesty and lack of honesty. The former is an ethical issue, the latter is a communication issue. And both lead to serious problems in a relationship.
I’m interested to know if you’d be willing to share some more about the emotional impact that you mentioned. Have you found a way to effectively create the space for sharing emotion as a means of yielding a more honest dialogue?
Excellent “thinkabout” topic, Chris. There are so many hedge phrases that we become accustomed to using – Fear is a big driver of behavior like this. I know I probably use phrases like that without even realizing it.
I’ve done exercises in which I videotape presentations to help become conscious of umms, ah’s, and all those kinds of filler words.
Can you imagine how uncomfortable it would be if someone videotaped difficult meetings, encounters, etc. in the same way? I get twitchy just thinking about it!
Dwayne, that’s one of the perks of getting involved with Toastmasters. You get the benefit of having a group of people help you zero in on those filler words and phrases. Which reminds me…I need to find another group soon.
And I’m right there with you…not only knowing about the presence of videotaping during a difficult conversation, but having to relive the encounter in the review. It might explain why we tend to make the same mistakes over and over again in our own conflicts. But think how rich that learning would be if we could have the courage to relive and at the same time objectively critique our own thoughts and actions.