Life
On Nine Years Of Fatherhood
Yesterday, Leah - my oldest child - turned 9 which means that I’ve been a father that long, as well. I remember the day when I first learned I was going to be a dad. I remember the terror. I also remember the elation. Talk about your roller coaster experiences…it was like the first time I took on the Loch Ness Monster at Busch Gardens Williamsburg. I didn’t know if I wanted to puke or ride it again.
As I reflect on these past nine years, I’m amazed at how much she’s grown (wasn’t I just changing her diapers not that long ago?) and how much I’ve grown. Parenting is true on-the-job experience where no amount of book learning will honestly prepare you for the unique adventure. Being a father has taught me to…
See the big picture. I recall how I stressed over each decision I made thinking that it might have some consequence for the future. What if I picked her up when she cried…would she be a clingy adult? What if I let her go down the slide…would she hit her head and be an amnesiac for her whole life? What if I didn’t capture each precious moment on film…would I regret not being able to watch her first turnover when I’m 50? What if…dad just relaxed and realized that there’s a bigger picture to be observed here. After a while, I did realize that while these small decisions do carry some weight, it’s far more important to keep the grand scheme of things firmly in the front of my mind.
Be patient. If kids don’t reinforce the value of patience, there’s not a whole lot of hope for you. I’ve learned to allow for extra time to get to places. And I’ve learned that wake-up and bedtime routines need to be adhered to as much as humanly possible. But I’ve learned to be patient in other ways. Sometimes I’ll help Leah with her homework and we’ll arrive at a problem that has her a bit stumped. My knee-jerk response, from my formative public school days, is to tell her how to solve the problem. But I’ll restrain myself and look at her…she’s already trying to formulate a solution. Most of the time it’s a solution she develops her own way.
Be curious. Imagination, wonder, creativity…all great qualities that are built into us as children. Along the way toward adulthood we tend to misplace these traits. In most cases, our public schools do a great job of helping us put these qualities in a black box so we can focus on more important things like metrics, tests, and instant recall. But watching Leah and her younger sister Katie explore their world only reinforces how vital a rich inner life is to their development.
Be fierce. This isn’t the same as being an overprotective dad. This is about being a fierce advocate for my kids. And this is about teaching my girls how to have a fierce confidence.
Trust myself. When I was a new father, I sought out all the books, advice, and resources I could get my hands on hoping that someone could offer me that magic bullet that would answer all my parenting questions. I gave doctors and experts exalted status where their word was gospel truth. Until I realized that these folks, while knowledgeable in their subject, we’re clueless about the specifics of Leah. They didn’t live with her. They didn’t feed and bathe and sing her to sleep. Her mother and I did. And we had far more knowledge and insight into our little girl than anyone else in the whole world. Turns out we were the experts about Leah and the secret to being a great parent to her was trusting ourselves and our intuitive grasp of how to be a mom and dad.
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Happy birthday to your daughter and I appreciate your perspective on being a dad. I have 3 children ages 18, 16, and 16. It seems just as I get good at one stage they move on to the next and I am asked to keep up. Parenting is not a job, but if it was a job it would be the best damn job I have ever had.
David, you’re exactly right about the moving from one stage to another. A friend of mine at work with two small children (ages 1 and 3) asked me if it gets easier when your kids get older. I replied, “Yes and no.” Yes, you get to move on from things like changing diapers and it gets far easier to travel. But you exchange this for new challenges like keeping up with their schoolwork and helping them navigate their social world. Parenthood wouldn’t be any fun otherwise, eh?
Beautiful sentiments, Chris. Thanks for reinforcing the unique expertise that a parent has for his/her child that goes beyond the other experts out there. We sought out experts for one of our daughters when she was growing up . . . and eventually had to trust our own judgment against theirs. Now that daughter is 22 and takes our breath away with her accomplishments, beauty, and goodness. But how woefully inadaquate we felt at the time of raising her.
Wow, Deb…sounds like you’ve had your own unique set of parenting challenges. Though it may not have been on the level of yours, I think I can relate to that feeling of inadequacy. There are times when I can’t see that big picture no matter how hard I try and worry that I’m failing my kids as a dad. These are the times I remind myself that parenting is work where you never get everything 100% right, but you learn from your mistakes just like everything else.
Chris, thanks for your wonderful post about parenting. It takes me right back to when I was a new father and it reminds me of what really is important in parenting children of all ages.
My children are now 16 (daughter) and 18 (son) years old. Like was mentioned earlier, I find that there is no perfect age for children. Each stage brings its own excitement and challenges. My wife and I are now right in the middle of helping our children figure out what careers they may want to persue.
My family is precious to me and being a father is beyond a doubt the most rewarding and important job I will ever have.
Cheers,
Steve
Welcome, Steve…and thanks. It’s always great to help kids start thinking about the work they want to do…and just as important to help them understand that it’s okay to never be too sure about this question. Some of us still don’t know what their soulful work is (though I think I’m edging ever closer to a possible answer).