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Three Things I Learned In 2012

by on January 4, 2013 in Life

pathway into woodsHow was your 2012? Now that we’re on the 2013 side of things, I find it makes it easier to reflect on the year that was. Personally, 2012 was both hellish and magical. It was a year when I got my ass kicked…A LOT. But it was also when I discovered some important things about myself. About the direction of my life. About what it means to live, love, dream, and fail. Through it all, what I have come to know is that a year in our lives isn’t all bad or all good. It’s a complex and messy mashup of wonder and loss, where each experience offers learning if we choose to accept it.

Throughout December, I started to write down some of the things I learned (or relearned) in 2012. The list was long, but here are some of the highlights:

Find your rock.
I simply do not know what I would have done without my wife, Carrie, last year. When I had my bad days, she was there. And when I had my REALLY bad, curl-up-in-a-ball-in-the-corner days, her strength and presence helped me stand back up. See, we can’t do this thing called Life alone. I discovered a new level of gratitude for her that I may never have known without living through 2012. (I’ll say the same thing about my absolutely wonderful parents, Linda and Dennis.) If you have a similar rock in your life, stop reading and tell them right now how much they mean to you and that you’re glad to have them in your life.

Failing is an act of courage.
I left a well-paying job to start a solo business in 2012. Actually, I started two of them when counting the venture I started with Carrie called BabbleRousers. And neither of them took off. We sunk a huge amount of money into these ventures and the whole process nearly bankrupted the family (Access to Capital is now my new entrepreneurial mantra). And if there’s one thing that I am not able to handle very well, it’s the idea of bankruptcy and losing everything. A couple of times, I was visited by panic attacks where it felt like Jabba the Hutt was lounging on my chest.

It took a few weeks for this struggling perfectionist to start to relearn something important: failing takes guts. There are plenty of really good blogposts that speak to the necessity of failing in order to succeed. I don’t plan on launching any new business ventures anytime soon, but I’m grateful for the experience and wisdom I gained from the process. Namely, learning and failure must co-exist together if we are going to grow into who we were meant to be.

Dare greatly.
Related to failing, is the act of daring. And no one influenced me to dare greatly more than Brené Brown. Her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead was a tough yet welcome read for someone with an undiagnosed vulnerability phobia. Prior to mid-2012, I was doing a bang-up job of extracting as much uncertainty and emotional vulnerability from my life. However, that came with a cost to my creativity, sense of adventure, and desire to leave a powerful legacy. I’m still not where I want to be in terms of living a more daring life…but I’m again moving in the right direction.

What Greatness is ahead…in 2013 and beyond?
It’s a terrific question, isn’t it? It acknowledges that the very best we can achieve is directly in front of us. It offers hope when we feel stuck in neutral or (worse) wondering if we’re traveling down the wrong path.

Here’s the truth: this path each of us are on is exactly where we need to be. If we feel like we’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere in the past, we can take comfort knowing there are no “right” or “wrong” turns. They are just choices we’ve made. Every choice offers an opportunity to embrace the totality of life’s experiences, both good and bad. I’m very grateful for everything I am and have. I know I wouldn’t be where I am right now without encountering the magic and pain of life in 2012.

So, here’s to a 2013 full of inspired thinking, bold action, and personal evolution. I look forward to walking it with you.

The Importance Of The Father And Daughter Relationship

by on November 4, 2012 in Life

Bailey Family + Sophia - Summer 2012Yesterday, our whole family attended the We Are Girls Conference hosted by GENaustin. If you’re a parent living in Central Texas and don’t know much about either the conference or GENaustin, I highly recommend you check out their website for more information.

We have two girls who are 13 and 10 and the kinds of issues they’re currently dealing with are intimidating: healthy body images, healthy friendships, improved self-confidence, being safe online, and the list goes on. It’s tough being a kid right now, but it’s particularly daunting to be a girl. As a parent, there are days when we feel completely overwhelmed by our responsibilities to be their guides and inspiration; to know when to give gentle comfort and to administer tough love. It’s made even more formidable when we – as parents – are struggling with our own feelings of self-worth, hopefulness, security…how are we supposed to give to our children what we sometimes can’t adequately give to ourselves? Okay, so I guess being a parent is pretty tough these days, as well.

I vividly remember the day when we first talked about attending the We Are Girls Conference. When Carrie, my wife, mentioned the conference, I thought (maybe even said), “Well, that sounds like a good thing for you to do with the girls.” I heard that whole “girls” thing and instantly figured that as a “boy” I didn’t have a part to play, that I could get a free pass out of spending a day learning about issues affecting the lives and well-being of my daughters, that moms are uniquely qualified to deal with all this tough stuff. Yep, nice try Dad…you dumbass.

Here’s the problem with that whole way of thinking: We fathers are a critical factor in the health and happiness in the lives of our daughters. To disregard this role is to ignore our own gifts and do our girls a disservice. In this blogpost by Elizabeth Weiss McGolerick at SheKnows Parenting called How Fathers Influence Daughters, she writes:

A dad’s involvement in his daughter’s life is a crucial ingredient in the development of a young woman’s self-esteem. [Professor Michael] Austin identifies positive elements of ‘common sense’ parenting for dads so they can help support their daughter’s self-image and curb any possibility of low self-esteem: Verbal encouragement, being consistently present in her life, being alert and sensitive to her feelings, taking time to listen to her thoughts and taking an active interest in her hobbies. ‘It’s important to actually do these things, which can sometimes be quite challenging,’ Austin adds. Direct involvement and encouragement by her father will help diminish a girl’s insecurity and increase her confidence in her own abilities.

Yes, we fathers are pretty damned important and we need to step up in the lives of our girls.

If I have one challenge to make to GENaustin and the We Are Girls Conference, it’s that there must be more for fathers. There were no sessions that addressed the crucial role of the father in a girl’s life. Each of the breakouts that involved parents were primarily devoted to the mother/daughter dynamic. For the handful of us fathers who did show up, we found our way through sessions on how girls interact online and in social media, how today’s media culture is impacting their self-images, how to help them find their own sense of empowerment. Don’t get me wrong, I got a lot of insight through these sessions. It was equally important for my daughters to see me there and trying to better understand the issues they face every day. But, we dads need to be a visible presence at conferences like these and in order to attract more of us, there must be programming that speaks to our own questions and aspirations.

So, here’s what I’m doing: I’m making an open, public commitment to advocate for more father and daughter sessions at next year’s conference. I believe I’m not alone in looking for help, for resources, for networks in order to be a better father. Because here’s what I know: the father/daughter dynamic is special. We dads can offer their girls things that will contribute to their success in life.

Other Father/Daughter Resources:
5 Ways Fathers Influence Their Daughters
Daughters Need Fathers, Too
Supportive Fathers Help Reduce Stress in Daughters

PS. The above photo includes my daughters – Leah (far left) and Katie (far right) – along with my wife, Carrie. The little gal in the middle is my niece, Sophia. This raises the positive role that uncles can play in the lives of their nieces, too. So even if you don’t have daughters of your own, but you do have nieces, you can still be a strong male role model in a young girl’s life.

An Ode To Fellow Late Bloomers

by on May 13, 2012 in Career, Life

One of my favorite children’s books that I fondly remember reading to my two daughters is called Leo the Late Bloomer. It’s the story of a young tiger cub who learns to do things on his own timetable. When all his other young animal friends are reading, talking, and writing, Leo feels sad and frustrated because he can’t do any of those things well. His dad is concerned and asks Leo’s mom, “Are you sure Leo’s a bloomer?” She lovingly replies, “Patience. Leo is just a late bloomer.”

While written for children (and their worried parents) who struggle to bloom while their peers seem to pass them by, the book’s message speaks to all of us who are still uncertain of our purpose in life.

Now I’m getting pretty close to 40 and the ticking I hear isn’t the oft-discussed biological clock. It’s more like the drumbeat of societal (possibly personal) expectations compelling me to finally figure out my place in this world. When given voice, it’s a critical one questioning why I’m not further along on a career path, not more renowned in a chosen field, not closer to the top of my game. It should’ve all happened by now…right? Is this a sign that marketing/branding/customer experience just isn’t the right place for me? I confess I often feel like Leo: when all his peers are able to write eloquently and eat without making a mess, he’s undoubtedly wondering if his time will ever come.

And yet…

A completely different way of looking at it might be that those of us who are on this journey are the lucky ones. Our longer-than-intended quest for professional meaning and self-discovery can help us to be even brighter and shinier than if we had it laid out for us in black and white.

I do take comfort knowing I’m not the only one who took time to figure out the meaning of their lives in their work. Several creative geniuses showed us that success comes at any age.

Julia Child didn’t achieve culinary acclaim until her late forties.
Alfred Hitchcock directed his finest achievements between the ages of 54 and 61.
Paul Cézanne’s greatest works were painted in his sixties.

And here are a few more curated posts:
Late Bloomers: 7 Authors Who Prove It’s Never Too Late To Start A Writing Career
The Late Bloomer from Forbes Magazine
Late Bloomers from Malcom Gladwell

As Leo’s mom would lovingly advise, perhaps all we need to do is remind ourselves to be patient. Our blooming is just coming a bit later.

PS. Thanks for reading. This post – more than others I’ve written lately – did not come easy at all. I wrestled with vulnerability and tried my damnedest to keep the whininess to a minimum. My hope is that something here resonated with you. If that did happen, then I am honored in knowing it was worth all the effort to write.

On Lemons And Uncertainty

by on May 5, 2012 in Business, Life

I just did something that pisses me off about myself. I managed to suck all the joy out of what should otherwise be a fun business venture for my daughters.

Tomorrow is Lemonade Day. If you don’t know much about it, it’s a great way for kids to learn about business and entrpreneurship (learn more). In preparation, my gals are going through the workbook doing the math and exercises needed to figure out how much material they’ll need in order to make their goal. How do I choose to contribute to this process? By making it far more difficult, overwhelming, and anxiety-ladden than it should be. Yes, that’s me: Mr. Unfun Business.

Problem is, this is one of the biggest gremlins I face in my own work. When uncertainty arises, I don’t just get serious…I become something like a black hole of grimness, sucking the life out of any task. I find flaws in plans. I identify all the risks. I – though quite unintentionally – take activities that could be thrilling and turn them into miserable drudgery. In other words, I work my ass off to create certainty. And I fully understand that this is all horseshit since business and entrepreneurship is all about navigating the waves of uncertainty.

Sorry all, I just had to get this off my chest. There is quite a lot more coming on this topic of uncertainty. It’s one of the fundamental personal challenges I face as a startup business owner. I know I cannot expect to succeed without coming to grips with this inability to deal with all the uncertainty that comes with entrepreneurship.

Yes, starting and running a business isn’t all fun and games. But it sure as hell better be interesting, exhilarating, and worth doing. If I’m going to teach my daughters they can be successful businesswomen and that business is about courageously bringing our creative vision into reality, then that must start with my example. Now let’s make some lemonade.

 

X-Men And Our Own Struggles With Alienation

by on June 5, 2011 in Life

There’s a rather fascinating op-ed today in the Los Angeles Times titled, ‘X-Men: First Class’ reminds us we are all mutants now. It argues that “the superhero movie series reflects an America that has increasingly come to accept individuals with unique identities, desires and talents.”

It’s a good article that raises some interesting ideas. However, where I’ll disagree with the LA Times writers (and perhaps Grant McCracken, though I haven’t fully reviewed his work titled Plentitude (pdf download)) is where they argue this “quickening speciation of social types” is a recent phenomenon. If you need any evidence, just think back to when you were in high school and how many different social types existed. The fact is we’ve always typed individuals. And we’ve always set out to form our own tribes as a way to confirm (or deny) self-identification as well as develop the security of numbers.

Now, it’s a lesser-known fact that I’m a huge comic book collector. I first started reading in 1984 and one of my favorite titles was X-Men. I don’t think I was completely aware of it at the time, but what I undoubtedly found within the stories were themes I could easily relate to: feeling outcast, alone, angry, and different from those around me. I surely felt a kinship between my teenage self and the various mutants within X-Men who sought acceptance from society.

But another way to look at why the X-Men remain popular since their beginnings in the 1960s is to see their relationship to our own cultural outlook. Not only do they fulfill a hero archetype, they connect us to an inner sense of alienation. Each of us is alienated from something in one way or another. It could family if we’ve chosen to do something outside of their wishes. It could be work if we are disconnected from the leadership structure. It could be online in social networks if our attempts at communication are ignored by others.

The moral story of X-Men – not just First Class but throughout the canon – is there are two paths we can take. One is with Magneto who believes alienation should be met with anger and vengeance. The other is with Professor Xavier who argues that alienation can be met with a hope for societal acceptance.

At the end of X-Men: First Class, characters are asked to make a choice: join Magneto or Xavier. It’s the same in our own daily existence. If we’re feeling alienated and apart from the group in which we seek acceptance, do we take the path of brooding anger…or do we take the path of hopeful determination?