Tag Archives: Communication

Giving A Bad Relationship A Fresh Start

by on November 14, 2007 in Work

Thom Singer over at Some Assembly Required wrote a thoughtful post on how to revive a professional relationship that’s gone sour. He writes:

Sometimes it is easy when you have a large circle of friends and professional contacts to place the blame on the other person. Obviously the issue cannot be you, as there are many examples of folks who adore you….so the problem must rest with the other person. I disagree, as to have a positive relationship takes the effort of both people. Besides, taking responsibility to fix a bad connection is not the same as admitting guilt. Instead it shows you really care about your networking and are willing to give folks a second chance.

What I really like is the part where he says, “…taking responsibility to fix a bad connection is not the same as admitting guilt.” I think this is where we get hung up so many times. We hold on to the notion that in order to salvage a relationship, we always need to have an intense dialogue where we confess our past sins and then hope the other party does the same. In some cases, this course of action is unavoidable but I’d argue that its only for the most exceptional cases where feelings have been deeply hurt. For most of our relationships – particularly professional relationships – asking for a clean slate offers some strong advantages. Here’s how Thom cleans the slate:

I take a moment to let them know where I was disappointed in the past, but also own the fact that I cannot really know their situation, and that I do not need an explanation or apology, but instead I would just like to start over.

The greatest advantage of this path is that we’re way more likely to engage in this type of dialogue than we are if we choose to go into full confessional mode whenever a conflict arises in a relationship. Not only is the latter time consuming, it’s painful…and most of us want to avoid painful interpersonal encounters.

Connecting To Work That Matters

by on September 24, 2007 in Work

As I wrap up for this Monday evening, I keep coming back to an idea that is fairly simple, yet ever so easy for managers to forget. It’s the idea of matter. No, not dark matter hanging out in the cosmos or grey matter hanging out between our ears.

It’s the idea that employees want work that matters.

It’s the idea that employees want to matter.

We all want to feel that who we are and what we do is significant. In the crazy busy world of business, these feelings can get lost in the shuffle of meeting deadlines, making client calls, and other everyday activities. Yet, without being in touch with what matters, we tend to just go through the motions.

Leader managers have a unique role to fill by helping their folks connect with these deep and significant qualities. As a manager…if you don’t already know these things…take some time today to dialogue with your staff and find out what really matters to them.

And take some time to answer: What really matters to you? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Sit Back And Appreciate The Show

by on September 14, 2007 in Work

Tammy Lenski’s writing a series on dialogue jump-starts as guest blogger at Notes on Design. Jump-start #3 is called Go to the Movies. In this post, she offers a fantastic analogy for stepping back and understanding (or at least trying to understand) another person’s perspective.

She presents some clear ideas for getting into someone’s movie:

Listening carefully, just like at the movies. You don’t repeatedly talk out loud there, right?

Getting into their movie isn’t about agreeing with them or suspending your disagreement for good. It’s about creating genuine space for the other’s perspective to reach you and be considered by you before you react, respond, reply.

Getting into someone’s movie is an act of appreciation. It’s appreciating that our own ideas are not universal truths, that our own perceptions are limited, and that our own potential to deeply connect with others is bounded only by our willingness to be open.

The Simple Economics Of Trust

by on August 15, 2007 in Work

A week or so ago, Jamie Notter pointed to a recent interview with Stephen M.R. Covey in Associations Now magazine. This Stephen Covey is the son of the other Stephen Covey and even though his language and approach is similar, he’s clearly forging his own path. His most recent book is focused on Trust and the interview is a brilliant read as Covey lays some of the groundwork for taking the ‘soft’ label off the idea of trust. He argues there are simple economics associated with trust and distrust. The highlight is that there is a direct cost to trust (Covey calls it a dividend) and distrust (more like a tax).

Being an idealist, I’m hopeful for the day when we can take the ‘soft’ and ‘hard’ distinctions off of essential organizational qualities. Managers and organizational leaders will see concepts such as trust, openness, and empathy just as relevant and important as quantitative measurements and financial results. Yet, I’m also a realist and know that this change in management thinking will take time and patience. What Covey is attempting to do is create a bridge that will help facilitate this change. His bridge is communicating something foreign (or at least not well understood) using the hard skills, metrics-focused, old-school individual’s more familiar language. So, if we apply the term ‘economics’ and its related methodologies to soft organizational qualities, will that make them easier to digest in the corner offices? God knows anytime I’ve even come close to introducing the idea of spirit or empathy in a meeting, I can see some managers getting the sweats and looking for the door. I’ve found success far more readily when I’ve taken the time to gauge my audience and determine just how open they are to different ways of thinking about management and leadership. The learning here is that if you’re trying to successfully communicate with a Hungarian, don’t start by speaking Mandarin Chinese.

Update: Jamie has followed his original post about trust with another gem. Go check it out.

Expect The Best – You Might Just Get It

by on August 2, 2007 in Work

For anyone in the process of building or re-engaging a workteam, setting expectations and the right tone for what’s acceptable behavior is vital for healthy cohesion. Rather than establishing ground rules, Tammy Lenski suggests creating group norms.

Group norms are co-created, with time for consideration (instead of an exercise to be gotten through) and updated as the team’s interactions grow organically over time. Group norms suggest, “This is what we believe will help create robust dialogue in our group,” while ground rules suggest, “Don’t violate these rules or you’re not a team player.” Group norms are an invitation, ground rules an order.

The problem with ground rules is that they present a false sense of control. As Tammy notes, “Just because someone tells you never to interrupt in a stressful meeting, does that mean you can magically stop?” Even more troublesome is that ground rules automatically presume that there will be problems (gasp…perhaps conflict) that will require a set of rules to resolve.

Tammy shares a few of her favorite norms that you can use to kickstart the process of introducing group norms to your workteam. Here are two that I like:

  • Curiosity is always welcomed. Ask questions born out of genuine curiosity and the desire to understand the other’s perspective.
  • It’s OK to disagree. You don’t need to share another’s thinking about everything we talk about. How you challenge will can the difference between stubborn debate and real dialogue.

Creating an organically evolving set of group norms signals an expectation that everyone is bringing their best to the team.