This YouTube clip is making the rounds through Twitter and it’s just too darn good not to share here. It’s also related to Vicky’s first post at the new Remarkable Parents blog.
“If you’ve never failed…you’ve never lived.” We can stew about our failures or we can celebrate them. Which one do you think is going to help us create the kind of life we dream about?
Yesterday, Leah - my oldest child - turned 9 which means that I’ve been a father that long, as well. I remember the day when I first learned I was going to be a dad. I remember the terror. I also remember the elation. Talk about your roller coaster experiences…it was like the first time I took on the Loch Ness Monster at Busch Gardens Williamsburg. I didn’t know if I wanted to puke or ride it again.
As I reflect on these past nine years, I’m amazed at how much she’s grown (wasn’t I just changing her diapers not that long ago?) and how much I’ve grown. Parenting is true on-the-job experience where no amount of book learning will honestly prepare you for the unique adventure. Being a father has taught me to…
See the big picture. I recall how I stressed over each decision I made thinking that it might have some consequence for the future. What if I picked her up when she cried…would she be a clingy adult? What if I let her go down the slide…would she hit her head and be an amnesiac for her whole life? What if I didn’t capture each precious moment on film…would I regret not being able to watch her first turnover when I’m 50? What if…dad just relaxed and realized that there’s a bigger picture to be observed here. After a while, I did realize that while these small decisions do carry some weight, it’s far more important to keep the grand scheme of things firmly in the front of my mind.
Be patient. If kids don’t reinforce the value of patience, there’s not a whole lot of hope for you. I’ve learned to allow for extra time to get to places. And I’ve learned that wake-up and bedtime routines need to be adhered to as much as humanly possible. But I’ve learned to be patient in other ways. Sometimes I’ll help Leah with her homework and we’ll arrive at a problem that has her a bit stumped. My knee-jerk response, from my formative public school days, is to tell her how to solve the problem. But I’ll restrain myself and look at her…she’s already trying to formulate a solution. Most of the time it’s a solution she develops her own way.
Be curious. Imagination, wonder, creativity…all great qualities that are built into us as children. Along the way toward adulthood we tend to misplace these traits. In most cases, our public schools do a great job of helping us put these qualities in a black box so we can focus on more important things like metrics, tests, and instant recall. But watching Leah and her younger sister Katie explore their world only reinforces how vital a rich inner life is to their development.
Be fierce. This isn’t the same as being an overprotective dad. This is about being a fierce advocate for my kids. And this is about teaching my girls how to have a fierce confidence.
Trust myself. When I was a new father, I sought out all the books, advice, and resources I could get my hands on hoping that someone could offer me that magic bullet that would answer all my parenting questions. I gave doctors and experts exalted status where their word was gospel truth. Until I realized that these folks, while knowledgeable in their subject, we’re clueless about the specifics of Leah. They didn’t live with her. They didn’t feed and bathe and sing her to sleep. Her mother and I did. And we had far more knowledge and insight into our little girl than anyone else in the whole world. Turns out we were the experts about Leah and the secret to being a great parent to her was trusting ourselves and our intuitive grasp of how to be a mom and dad.
In the Bailey home, Take Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day has established itself as an annual tradition. For at least three or four months, Leah (age eight) has been asking me when our “Daddy/Daughter Work Day” is this year and if we’ll be able to do it again. The answer, of course, is, “Absolutely!” Katie, my youngest, is quickly closing in on five years old and is starting to ask when she’ll be able to do this, as well. I’ll probably schedule a shorter day with her later in the summer.
There are a few reasons for it’s popularity. One is that it’s a special daddy-only time which is important since I’m not as available to them as their mom during the day. Two is that it’s an intentionally fun day spent outside of school. Three is that it’s a chance to see and experience a world they only hear about.
What do I get out of it? Quite a lot. It’s a chance to share in my daughters’ excitement of spending time together in a unique way. Also, when I get to share my work experience with my them, it helps me crystallize my own sense of whether work is meaningful or not. It’s hard to fake fulfillment in soulless work and for me the whole purpose of the day is to encourage them to think about finding work that’s fulfilling for them. Anyway, kids can sense those sorts of lies and ask the most honest and pointed questions that drill down to the heart of our own work. Interesting how our children can help coaches us without even knowing it.
Wondering what you can do to make it a fulfilling and enjoyable day for both you and your child? The folks who manage the day, Ms. Foundation For Women, have some tips and provide a sample day on their website.
Start by contacting your child’s teacher and see if she or he has anything planned surrounding the day. If they don’t know about Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work Day, then introduce them to the concept and ask whether they’d be interested in learning more. Don’t be afraid to track the principal down and do the same for them. Make sure they understand that it’s not just an excused absence from school, but an experiential learning day.
Next, check and see if your workplace has anything planned for the day. Some companies have some structured activities planned, which is great to find that type of buy-in. And if not, talk to the folks in human resources, and again, emphasize the importance of sponsoring workshops or other events. If you don’t find any sympathetic ears, don’t fret…just do it anyway and plan things on your own. This is what I had to do in my last two organizations.
Need some help building activities? Here’s a listing along with pdf worksheets and an interactive online activity.
I’m interested in learning if anyone else has plans for April 27 and what you’re doing. Bring your ideas and questions to the WorkPlay community.
The BBC had an interesting article yesterday called Why are Dutch children so happy? that went on to explain why the Netherlands was at the top of a recently published Child Wellbeing Report produced by UNICEF. (By the way, the United States - perhaps unsurprisingly - rates pretty much near the bottom compared to Europe and Canada). The lead-in to the article reads:
Dutch children have been rated the most fortunate children in Europe. Their parents go out of their way to please them, and teachers expect less of them than some of their European counterparts.
Well, that’s not exactly how the UNICEF report portrays the Netherlands, but does raise some interesting questions when we think not only about our own children (regardless of which country you call home) but own lives at work. How much is our own happiness tied to having things go our way? Can there be happiness in our challenges and struggles?
Let’s take this example from the BBC article:
18-year-old Ysbrand, a student in Helmond near Eindhoven, says this picture matched his childhood. He says that his parents spent a lot of time with him when he was younger. His mother stayed at home while his father worked.
But, he said the contrast when you get to 18 can be something of a shock.
“Now I’m left to look after myself,” he told the BBC News website. “My parents say that I need to care for myself and to be independent. It’s hard. I don’t have much money as a student and to go out is expensive. Beer, for example, is very expensive in the Netherlands.”
By focusing on what will make us happy right now, we postpone possible future pain. Not that we shouldn’t aim for joy in our life, but we need to be honest with ourselves and consider whether our present experience - even if it does suck - won’t make us a better person down the road. Sometimes we need to unhappy in order to learn how to be happy. I can certainly remember painful experiences in my life that were hellish in their own special way, but in reflection I’m so glad that they were my experiences. I wouldn’t be half the person I am today without them.
And I hope this doesn’t seem like I’m picking on the Dutch. Frankly, I don’t think the example of Ysbrand above is all that different from some of the experiences I’ve seen from fellow parents here in the U.S. The desire to coddle and over-protect kids transcends borders and culture.
Today, we’re challenged to look at our own happiness and determine whether that happiness is real or is simply deferring pain for another time. Ask whether that graduate degree that might be challenging and even painful to undertake might lead to a better tomorrow for you. Ask whether the pain of quitting your job might not be the first step toward finding your own soulful work. Remember that happiness sometimes means taking the hard and painful path.
Be well.
Two posts in one day? Say it isn’t so. As the husband to a current stay-at-home mom, I thought this quote from Debra J. Dickerson in a recent Salon.com article was awesome:
Far be it for me to reduce Nancy Pelosi to merely the sum of the carpool miles she drove, but it took an extraordinary woman to do that and move on to become speaker of the House. To object to Pelosi’s inclusion of children in politics is to presume that an erstwhile stay-at-home mom brings nothing with her to public life from that experience, that she gained nothing from it, that child rearing is mere baby sitting, only keeping children alive till they can take care of themselves. In fact, it is an art and a science and it changes you. It grows you up. At a minimum, it teaches you just how many supposed grown-ups only need a good, long nap to be decent neighbors and co-workers.
All so true. And as someone on the hiring side of the table, I’ve never turned away a candidate coming back to work after staying at home with her children (haven’t interviewed a stay-at-home dad, but I guarantee the reverence is the same). The skills and experiences - mediator, project organizer, leader to name but a few - equate right into the working world.
If you’re a stay-at-home mom getting ready to reenter the working world, welcome back. We need you.
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